On weekday mornings my husband leaves the house for work a full 45 minutes before myself and the kids do for school. If I had not driven him to said job in the past I would seriously question his need to leave me home alone with our little monsters on a school day morning for an extended period of time, alone. Did I say alone? A-flippin-lone with Hollywood and Miss Yes you are my mother but that doesn't mean I am going to do anything you say.
Here was my morning, I'm sure some of you can relate.
Scene: Breakfast Table with Annie who will only answer to Sarah and Drama King Carl
Me - Okay kids, let's eat some breakfast so we can finish getting ready for school! (My best Mom smile possible at 6:20 am)
Carl - I don't feel so good. (Sad face) My stomach hurts, I need to use the restroom but that will make us late for school. (whines)
Me - Carl don't worry about that just go ahead and take your time, we won't be late and everything will be just fine. (This is code for "Hurry up and make it snappy")
30 Minutes Later ......
Me - Carl good grief you're still in the restroom! Come on son, we're going to be late!
Carl - (Hysterical) Mom!! Well that's just perfect, I told you we would be late but you always say "Don't worry about being late Carl (snicker) just go to the restroom and everything will be just fine". Well now we are late, wow. Thanks a lot Mom. Wow (all the smartass comments end with "wow")
I didn't know it was possible for my kid to have a complete and utter epic meltdown on the toilet but apparently it is. Jesus
On the other side of the Funhouse is Annie who now wants to be called Sarah which is actually her given name and what I wanted us to use instead of a nickname from the get-go. But, while pregnant Carl began calling her Annie and it just stuck which makes it virtually impossible to revert to calling her Sarah Anne or just Sarah. For this infraction Annie - Sarah - Moonbeam - whatever claims she will NEVER EVER forgive Carl and screams daily, "Thanks a lot Carl! You've ruined my life!" Personally I think that's a little harsh but I'm too depleted to take on that cause and could really care less what she calls herself. Today it's Sarah and tomorrow it will be Sun, next week she'll want us to call her Cotton.
The final 10 minutes in the house consist of me quickly applying makeup and deodorant simultaneously while yelling at Carl to stop yelling at Annie, who is yelling at Carl to mind his own business while she stuffs her mismatched socked feet into a pair of patent leather Mary Janes that are 3 sizes too small and have been given away 10 times at least but keep reappearing on her feet. Rushing, whining and sweating, out the door and into the truck we go when I remember that I had actually set the clocks 10 minutes ahead last week during a similar apocalyptic morning as a cushion just for disasters like this. Glancing over at Annie who's hair looks like a cow licked her from forehead to collar and Carl who is giving me an Oscar worthy scowl I start seriously considering changing our breakfast meals.
Jello Shots anyone?
I am glad MY children were not like that. Oh, well, maybe a little. Love, Mom
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