Whew, I'm all tuckered out just thinking about it.
Lately I have been making a list of things I should, need, could, but ultimately probably will not start doing with the kids and it just keeps on growing. Oh I take the kids around town and we have our little walk-abouts, ride bikes, beach days, play outside .... All the regular stuff everyone does but nothing really "memory making/above and beyond the norm" worthy. Maybe I just wasn't born with the perfect amount of Best Mom Ever juice. Could it be possible that I missed the How to be stellar parents everyone will envy checklist when my husband and I met with our doctor to discuss preparing for children?
Dear Future Parents,
If you intend to do the following with your children then you are the perfect candidates to become parents. If none of this appeals to you then go back to the bar.
- Only talk in the softest nicest Mommyish tones.
- Have the children gather sticks to whittle into dolls and utensils while camping in a forest you stopped to rest your weary feet while hitchhiking to Canada for extra credit in your child's History class.
- Make sure you own a cow for milk, goat for cheese and chicken for eggs. Only the freshest of the fresh for your family, even if you live in a condo. Just tie the livestock up to the lamp post by the curb.
- Sing a good morning wake up song while your husband plays the spoons, encouraging the wee ones to join you in a little Do-Re-Me like the Von Trapp Family.
- Any other ridiculous time consuming unbelievably over-the-top thing that only people who are insane and have nothing else to do conjure up to make the rest of the Mom population feel like a loser.
One reason why I am so terrible is that I still expect the kids to remain on a tight school year bedtime schedule which they detest. In all fairness to me even though school isn't in session my job still is and our exciting day begins with preparation for summer camp with a thrilling game of force feeding my kids, I don't want to wear that bathing suit today, packing lunches and sunscreen applications before we hit the door. In case you didn't already know, dousing your kid at 7 am in sunscreen is a whole new level of hell. Think I'm joking? You try it with your litter who didn't get enough sleep because you just had to have a test run of "Mommy is the best!" and allow the jungle cats another hour of trampoline time, only for it to blow up in your face. Everything is great until it isn't and then you are totally stuck in meltdown prison.
Another reason for my possible Mom trade-in is for the simple fact that I don't do whine very well. Whining to me is almost like a bite from a vampire. Human one second/Vamp the next. One minute you are walking down the road holding your little angel boo's hand thinking this is the best day ever and the next someone is whining about who in the hell knows and I turn into a complete freak of nature. That shrill of non-conforming attitude works it's way into my skin and it gets ugly. Pronto. When I probably should be more comforting when Whiner #1 gets a poke in the eyeball all I can think is I told you to not play around in the store like 5,000 times and this what happens when you don't listen to your mother! Stubbed toe: This would not happen if someone would have gotten in the freaking bed instead of in my face whining about it still being light outside during bedtime! During this EVERY SINGLE summer night whine-ument of "how can you ask me to sleep when the sun isn't?" I think to myself that if we ever were to move to Alaska that I would undoubtedly jump off a cliff. No run. Run off a damn cliff.
To double double make sure that the kids and I make it with slightly good mental health I pray each night that they will only remember the fun stuff and not all of my yelling. It's my new Mantra. Please God let the kids grow up reasonably normal and slightly kooky, only remembering that I was totally fantastic and blame their dad for any issues they have in their child rearing and leave me out of it. Amen
