I have a long standing love/hate relationship with my zipper. While most of the time she and I are on pretty good terms, this weekend however the bitch let me down. Big Time. I can sum up my disgust and crushing embarrassment in just a few words.
navy snow pants - not navy underthings - lots of people - zipper in the starting position
You get my drift; or more appropriately I should say "draft"and it wasn't the Friday night local bar special either.
After racking my brain on how Zelda could be so cruel I am beginning to think that possibly she feels I don't appreciate her as much as I should. Though it pains me to admit it the past couple of decades (pictures don't lie) I have been neglectful, veering towards the dreaded "Mom jeans/elastic waistband" section for my pant purchases. And yes there have been one or two thousand times when I have enlisted the help of an extremely over sized top that stretched well below the zipper line therefore not allowing Zelda to showcase her incredible talent. Keeping the bulge at bay.
Hurt feelings have got to be placed on a back burner before something else truly dreadful happens to me. Do I sound insensitive? Possibly unappreciative of Zelda the Zipper's feelings while daily I tug and pray and cry and hop and pinch and curse at her reluctance to "just come on and inch up a little BIT FURTHER, OH MY GOD WHY WON'T YOU JUST ZIP UP?!!!" I mean damn. It's her freaking job is it not? prima donna
Today I found myself in the craft aisle checking out the buttons and wondering if that is a route I would consider going down if another "Hello world, I'm Sally's underthings" episode happens again. I'm so over elastic and not sure my self worth and liver can handle my daughter pointing out my stretchy pants clinging on for dear life to my squishy middle. It's like a Fatty-Boom-Baladdy drinking game. Someone says Mommy is squishy - Mommy wants to deplete the ABC Store stockroom.
But for now I shall just continue on my zipper journey and will try to incorporate a few soothing words of encouragement for my girl Zelda. Hang in there Zelda, that's a girl, just a little bit further, I promise to not eat lunch today, you're doing so great, keep-a-comin', just a little - bit - more ... Yes!
A few sweet words and a safety pin. You can never be too careful.
