Roll Call for the Un's, If Only's and the Should Have's.

Just this past Saturday I had a rare treat of going home and spending the night with my parents without the kids and my husband.  It's  so easy to forget how much you really don't speak to one another when the whole family is visiting with kids running around, bedtimes to prepare for and just the normal interruptions that come along with accommodating several people and their schedules.  Although I really enjoyed driving around my hometown and taking advantage of some alone time with my parents, I must admit it takes me about a week to get over those visits.  I am neurotic by nature; I mean super-de-duper over the top analyze every single little thing bananas, and this process begins the second I step into the driver's seat for the 2 hour drive back to my home.  My radio volume barely rises above level 2 and I will spend that entire time driving along a dark HWY 87 thinking of all that was said, and not.  All that's left unsaid should truly be my motto because I feel that is pretty much an overview of how I view my life.

I have the most amazing parents in the world but maybe it is all those glances/inquiries/suggestions/hints of disappointment/concern/discussions (lecture) and constant "you should consider's" that put me over the edge.  Out of all the wonderful things I have accomplished and seen in my life I am still plagued by the What If's, the Un's and Should Have's.  Whoever said "everything happens for a reason" is a jackass and I for one am sick to death of hearing that quote as an answer to any episode in your life that you just can't get your mind around.  Whether or not it is true, I don't want to hear anyone say that unless you know the darn "reason" and will share that with me, because I will stay up for the rest of the night and the next night and the next trying to figure out just what that reason is.  My mother simply saying "Maybe you should have waited a year before starting college; do you think that things would have ....." catapults me into Analyze My Life world, where I have a nice little comfy spot just waiting for me.  Don't they know by now you can't plant a little seed of doubt about my life decisions and then just walk away!  Seriously people have mercy!

All those things left unsaid to people in my life, plans unfinished, amazing places unseen, words unheard.  If only I had stayed in one town, taken another route, asked a different question, given another answer.  All the things I should have tried, people I should have been kinder too, places I should have stayed away from.  How different would my life be now?  Better?  Worse?  The same but with different looking characters?  I envy those that just take life as it comes without question or doubt.  Me, I'll just sit and think about that for a very long while.