There was a time when I thought my purpose in this life was to have children so I could nurture them as they grown into lovely, kind and generous adults, basking in the glow of their beautiful lives knowing I had a small part in their happiness. #1 I watch too many Hallmark movies and #2 I've booked too many flights to La La Land because nothing could be further from the truth.
I have been given a permanent position in an evil scheme called Opposite Day. Maybe you have heard of this exhaustive (for me) little game; the newest version of waterboarding and all the rage with my kids. No? My little ratfinks think that it is a hoot and my only defense is to ask of them what I would like not to be done, all the while praying in return the complete opposite "what I do want/need/like" will be greeted with full-fledged eagerness to hopefully irritate Mommy. A request for them to stay inside is happily ignored and out they go to play while I relish some much needed silence. "You don't have to eat dinner now" results in a scampering to the dinner table, "Yes you can stay up all night" equals a delicious murmur of "Mommy I'm ready for bed" and announcing I don't mind if a wet towel remains on a bedroom floor quickly becomes a mad dash for the bathroom towel rod. Dr. Spock forgot to add a chapter on this delightful little game that could have really come in handy while I was choosing college courses and I might not have skipped over that Creative Thinking seminar. Child Expert my big toe. Hmpf
The cherry on top of this daily dose of fun fun fun is the I know you are talking to me because we live in a birdhouse where you can hear every little peep and also because you are looking directly at me and called me by name but I am going to pretend that I am deaf game. Disney World has jack on this treasure trove of never ending good times, enjoyed by all ages. Just ask my husband. I know for a fact my children do not have the slightest hearing problem. Should you utter the word "candy" within a 100 mile radius of where they are standing they will seek you out like a heat missile. Once found they will pester you for some until you are scrounging for last year's Halloween treats hidden behind the All-Purpose Flour that was purchased for some long forgotten recipe. Truth. I will ask the kids 1,000 times to help with a simple chore or to even just brush their teeth and they will continue on with whatever they are doing at that time as if I never uttered a word. An hour long conversation will have passed between my husband and myself (or so I thought) when I will realize he hasn't paid attention to not one syllable. I could make plans to sell all our belongings and sail to Narnia in my 1975 Sunfish with him sitting right beside me and when I mention it again not a day later he looks at me as if I am crazy. He's lucky I didn't mistake his silence for agreeing with me and sold all our crap in the meantime. I bet if I peppered my sentences with the word sex I may just get a whole lot more accomplished around here. "Hey Babe, you know the outside building sex really needs to be sex organized. Would you sex please help me sex fold that basket of clothes that have been sex that you keep sex walking around?" It's worth a try.
Good times at the Stidham house. Good Good Times.
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