My bad mood started with a knee wrinkle.
Ok, that's not entirely true but it's a good place to start. I have a brand spankin' new knee wrinkle and I am pissed. No matter what anyone says I know for a fact that it is all God's doing even if he doesn't cop to it and he and I will be having a little tête-à-tête about this soon. Of course I understand that in his eyes these wrinkle episodes may seem like an appropriate punishment for my lack of patience with my children and husband, but I beg to differ. A new wrinkle this close to my 20th high school reunion is hitting waaayy below the belt and I would expect a more civilized "Get your act together Sister" warning from the man upstairs. Guess no one takes into account that my Mommy Freak-Outs were preceded by 6 hours of Annie whining, countless times of telling Carl to leave Annie alone and my husband just walking around completely ignoring the Armageddon that is our lives. Do I not deserve some medal for dealing with this? It's like 1,000 times of asking the kids to Please pick up their toys and Please brush teeth because we are running late and Please to my husband to quit sneaking off somewhere I can't find him and boss him around. You know sometimes a girl just snaps and then it's like "For the love of GOD would you PLEASE help me do ...." and you know what happens once you say God! All kinds of trouble. His freaking beeper goes off and you get caught screaming in a not very nice fashion and all crazy eyed. Using all your bad words and threatening to divorce your husband before 8 am? BAM you have another wrinkle and BAM you stub your toe and BAM you walk out of the house with your zipper down wearing your bright purple "in an emergency/back of the drawer" undies. Fella doesn't play around. This doesn't happen to you?
Well .... aren't you something special.
I am not an easy going Mommy, never have been and I don't foresee me becoming one in the near future. So many nights I have stayed awake just thinking of ways I could have and should have handled a situation better, telling myself that next time I will do things differently. My issues are no more unusual than what any other parent deals with on a daily basis (well I hope not or my kids are worse than I thought) and they aren't bad kids; unfortunately they are dealing with a mother who tends to go a little bat shit crazy sometimes. That's the breaks kids. Sorry
Another possible reason for my dark mood cloud is that it's bathing suit season again which is another doozer towards my self image. Nothing makes you want to jump off a freaking bridge more than standing in front of an unforgiving mirror with bright ass lights glaring down on you, sweating like a freak, praying, crying and swearing while you try and shove your "womanly body" into something a devil of a man who hates women designed. Have no idea what I'm talking about? This never happens to you? Go suck an egg.
So there I stand in the bathing suit section that offers suits that are "supposed" to suck in all your squishes and heck if they aren't all the same as the other skinny people suits across the aisle, but are just $40.00 bucks more. I grab several styles, telling myself that THIS will be the year I find something un-grannyish that will showcase my "curves" all the boys are supposed to love (HA) and I will be happy and everything will be rainbows and unicorns and joyous, I will myself to try them on. In route to the dressing rooms/torture chamber I call up to God and apologize for disturbing him during his Margarita hour (my God likes his on the rocks with salt like me) but to pretty pretty please with sugar on top have some mercy on me. Instead it ends in another session of me leaving them all in the dressing room in total disarray and spending the rest of my bathing suit-less drive home threatening to begin a bathing suit line as soon as I invent a society-acceptable shock collar for my kids. Hey, a girl can dream.
So for now the plan is to be on my very bestest behavior and not eat a thing until the end of June lest I act up again and wind up with a wrinkle right in between my eyes. One of two things are going to happen before then. #1- I will wear the bathing suit I finally got over my thighs to my high school reunion with my shiny new knee wrinkle OR #2 - I'll be skipping that reunion and instead taking a case of beer with me to the dressing room to sneer at all the skinny girls that walk by. Who wants to come with?
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
As the clock ticks
In less than 24 hours I will be turning 38 and I still have no idea what I am doing. I had always thought that with age you become more secure in your being, find your purpose in life and grow in the confidence that you have a plan-a goal and are slowly and deliberately moving towards that. Umm, nope. Not the case here. All the magazines and books say that as women grow older they learn to embrace their flaws, have a renewed understanding of others, begin to love and appreciate their bodies no matter what the size or shape and become one with the universe. Nope, not happening. My purpose in life? You mean other than folding laundry that no one else can see - No clue. Grow in the confidence that I have a plan? Other than planning to NOT have tacos 6 times a week I don't have one. Embrace my flaws? You've got to be kidding. Appreciate my post baby, carb loving body? Yeah right. Become one with the universe? Is that even possible? The start of my 38th year is a looking a little sketchy.
Honestly I feel pretty badly for my kids for the simple fact that I am totally winging this "grown-up" thing and if they make it out of my craziness without being a total menace to society that will be a blessing. Now there are moments when I can look at myself in the mirror and say "Sally girl - you're doing all right"; a declaration that typically comes after a few cocktails, but that's not the point. The point is that 98.7% of the time I am just going through the motions praying that if I pretend to be a reasonably decent person, walk and talk like I have some understanding of how to parent and make arrangements for the family to have clean underwear then I may just make it out of my 38th year alive.
While I have never considered myself to be a "grown-up" since in my world that title still belongs to my parents and everyone else around me; it seems to me that all of my friends have their act together and are clipping along quite nicely. What in the heck is my deal? In my early teenage years I remember thinking that living to be in your 30's was right up there with Grandma Moses and surely I would never live long enough to be thirty-anything. Could it be that my brain stopped developing back then and all of the important goodies I should've been storing in my noggin for the "grown-up years" got lost in the shuffle of does my butt look big in this and I wonder if so-n-so will be out tonight? There is rarely a time when my parents are unable to answer any question I may have or have a stockpile of helpful (though sometimes unsolicited) advise. Not much gets past them and I worry about my ability to offer the same nuggets of important life knowledge to my little family. Need something hemmed, questions about health care, automotive care, politics, bee-sting relief, how to make a casserole, religion, cultures, the economy, gardening tips, the universe ... Check, Check, Check. My grown-ups know it all! Why don't I know these things? What if I never will! GASP!
Could it be that there is a What should already be embedded into your brain by the time you reach 38 years old, book floating around out there that I just haven't found? (You better believe I have been looking) Maybe an app I'm not aware of because I have an iPhone and it is only offered to Droid users? That would be my freaking luck. Oh Happy Birthday to me. Hopefully one day I will be fortunate enough I have a better understanding of the world and what in the heck I'm supposed to be doing in it!
Until then ignorance is bliss ~
Honestly I feel pretty badly for my kids for the simple fact that I am totally winging this "grown-up" thing and if they make it out of my craziness without being a total menace to society that will be a blessing. Now there are moments when I can look at myself in the mirror and say "Sally girl - you're doing all right"; a declaration that typically comes after a few cocktails, but that's not the point. The point is that 98.7% of the time I am just going through the motions praying that if I pretend to be a reasonably decent person, walk and talk like I have some understanding of how to parent and make arrangements for the family to have clean underwear then I may just make it out of my 38th year alive.
While I have never considered myself to be a "grown-up" since in my world that title still belongs to my parents and everyone else around me; it seems to me that all of my friends have their act together and are clipping along quite nicely. What in the heck is my deal? In my early teenage years I remember thinking that living to be in your 30's was right up there with Grandma Moses and surely I would never live long enough to be thirty-anything. Could it be that my brain stopped developing back then and all of the important goodies I should've been storing in my noggin for the "grown-up years" got lost in the shuffle of does my butt look big in this and I wonder if so-n-so will be out tonight? There is rarely a time when my parents are unable to answer any question I may have or have a stockpile of helpful (though sometimes unsolicited) advise. Not much gets past them and I worry about my ability to offer the same nuggets of important life knowledge to my little family. Need something hemmed, questions about health care, automotive care, politics, bee-sting relief, how to make a casserole, religion, cultures, the economy, gardening tips, the universe ... Check, Check, Check. My grown-ups know it all! Why don't I know these things? What if I never will! GASP!
Could it be that there is a What should already be embedded into your brain by the time you reach 38 years old, book floating around out there that I just haven't found? (You better believe I have been looking) Maybe an app I'm not aware of because I have an iPhone and it is only offered to Droid users? That would be my freaking luck. Oh Happy Birthday to me. Hopefully one day I will be fortunate enough I have a better understanding of the world and what in the heck I'm supposed to be doing in it!
Until then ignorance is bliss ~
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