In less than 24 hours I will be turning 38 and I still have no idea what I am doing. I had always thought that with age you become more secure in your being, find your purpose in life and grow in the confidence that you have a plan-a goal and are slowly and deliberately moving towards that. Umm, nope. Not the case here. All the magazines and books say that as women grow older they learn to embrace their flaws, have a renewed understanding of others, begin to love and appreciate their bodies no matter what the size or shape and become one with the universe. Nope, not happening. My purpose in life? You mean other than folding laundry that no one else can see - No clue. Grow in the confidence that I have a plan? Other than planning to NOT have tacos 6 times a week I don't have one. Embrace my flaws? You've got to be kidding. Appreciate my post baby, carb loving body? Yeah right. Become one with the universe? Is that even possible? The start of my 38th year is a looking a little sketchy.
Honestly I feel pretty badly for my kids for the simple fact that I am totally winging this "grown-up" thing and if they make it out of my craziness without being a total menace to society that will be a blessing. Now there are moments when I can look at myself in the mirror and say "Sally girl - you're doing all right"; a declaration that typically comes after a few cocktails, but that's not the point. The point is that 98.7% of the time I am just going through the motions praying that if I pretend to be a reasonably decent person, walk and talk like I have some understanding of how to parent and make arrangements for the family to have clean underwear then I may just make it out of my 38th year alive.
While I have never considered myself to be a "grown-up" since in my world that title still belongs to my parents and everyone else around me; it seems to me that all of my friends have their act together and are clipping along quite nicely. What in the heck is my deal? In my early teenage years I remember thinking that living to be in your 30's was right up there with Grandma Moses and surely I would never live long enough to be thirty-anything. Could it be that my brain stopped developing back then and all of the important goodies I should've been storing in my noggin for the "grown-up years" got lost in the shuffle of does my butt look big in this and I wonder if so-n-so will be out tonight? There is rarely a time when my parents are unable to answer any question I may have or have a stockpile of helpful (though sometimes unsolicited) advise. Not much gets past them and I worry about my ability to offer the same nuggets of important life knowledge to my little family. Need something hemmed, questions about health care, automotive care, politics, bee-sting relief, how to make a casserole, religion, cultures, the economy, gardening tips, the universe ... Check, Check, Check. My grown-ups know it all! Why don't I know these things? What if I never will! GASP!
Could it be that there is a What should already be embedded into your brain by the time you reach 38 years old, book floating around out there that I just haven't found? (You better believe I have been looking) Maybe an app I'm not aware of because I have an iPhone and it is only offered to Droid users? That would be my freaking luck. Oh Happy Birthday to me. Hopefully one day I will be fortunate enough I have a better understanding of the world and what in the heck I'm supposed to be doing in it!
Until then ignorance is bliss ~
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