40 is just 40

For those of you who do not have my birthday noted on your calendar (which you all should) I turned 40 this year.  I had been dreading this day for years and for months leading up to it I did all the cliché things like posting those silly 40 ism's from Pinterest onto my Facebook page .... "You're only as old as you feel"...  Really?  Well, I feel  like I'm 80.  "40 and Fabulous" ...  Who am I, Carrie Bradshaw?  "40 is Vintage" ...  That actually does not make me feel any better.  And the worst ... "40 is the new 20".  Now that is just a straight up lie.

Maybe I am speaking for myself but let me just say that 40 is not the "new" 20.  It is most definitely, positively, without a doubt in this whole wide world NOT the new 20 and I know this because I remember 20 and it was awesome.  The 20 Sally didn't have stretch marks, wrinkles, cellulite, Old Man River grey hair, an uncanny gift of only purchasing Mom jeans, a never ending pile of dirty clothes, sunspots, grandma bathing suits, a ridiculous amount of Thirty-One bags, Dollar Store sunglasses and Post It Notes all over the damn place because she cannot remember squat.  20 Sally wasn't worried about hang-overs, calories, running out of milk and toilet paper, the appropriate length of her dress, trying and failing to act like a sensible adult, is there a correct fruit to protein ratio in her child's lunchbox, not peeing on herself if she laughs too hard, Mom boobs, if her children become convicts and blame her, and not picking the correct career path and working until I'm 90 because of it.

No in my little 40 year old world, 40 is just straight up 40.  Looking back I don't even know if I could handle being 20 again and if my liver and my flimsy entry card into heaven would still be valid.  Being 20 takes up a lot of time and effort that frankly I no longer possess the patience for.  Casually strolling through shopping malls to find the perfect outfit ... not going to happen.  Baking for hours in the sun coated in suntan oil ... eewww.  Starting off and ending the night with Kamikaze shots ... just shoot me.  Sleeping until noon ... was it just a dream?  Eating junk food day and night and not gaining a pound ... yeah that didn't happen.  Spending more than 5 minutes on my hair and makeup total ... I'm lucky if I even care to dry it.  Staying out past 10 on a weeknight ... and miss my TV shows?  That's crazy talk.

I am convinced that men or women trying to forget they too are 40 write those stupid little 40 is just the bestest ever nonsense sayings. Maybe they spent their 20th birthday in prison making license plates with Big Susie and Tank, getting out just in time to celebrate their 40th as a free man/woman.   I bet the first purchase they made was that weird doctors office poster with the cat seconds from plummeting from a tree with "Hang in There" across the top.  Hang in there?  That's all you've got?

40 is just 40.  I don't have time to be 20 again anyway.  Who will feed the kids and buy toilet paper?