There is nothing fun about dinnertime at my house. Oh it may start off smoothly but halfway into dishing out the side items someone has a meltdown; mainly my son. Tonight was an exceptionally over-the-top episode of what I'd like to call, "You want me to eat slop?!". My husband made a great dinner with everything the kids like, but also made a spicy beans and rice mixture. Beans and rice with a little sausage and spice. Simple and easy, something the kids have eaten before. Annie jumps right in but not ol' Carl. He had a full on meltdown at the table with the works. Good Lord you would've thought he was Oliver Twist and we were trying to make the kid eat gruel. An amazing 20 minutes of crying, pouting, gagging, why-ing and complaining was followed by a very moving retching session after he placed one micro-sized dab of the sauce to his lips. Seriously, I was so impressed I almost started filming him so I could Fed-Ex the tape to Mr. Spielberg in the morning. First stop "My parents are trying to kill me with dinner" and the next is Hamlet on the big screen. He better thank me during that Oscar acceptance speech.
A good friend of mine calls me every morning on the way to work and we get to talk about how crazy our kids make us. It's one of my favorite times of the day. Personally I think every parent needs another parent whose kids make them mental to help you laugh but also learn some great tips! She was telling me about how her daughter threw out some saucy back-talk during dinner and then when her daughter didn't check herself (this is the best part), my friend put a little hot sauce on her tongue to go with her hot sauce mouth. It's genius! Needless to say her dinnertime has been pretty low-key lately, while my kids keep cranking it up a notch. All I want is to talk about our day and eat our meal while some great tunes are playing in the background. But oh Hell no. While Trey is telling Carl or Annie or both they will sleep at the table unless they just try something, the whole time I'm sitting there wondering how much cooking wine is left and if we have any straws.
You see, I somehow must figure out a way to teach (force) my children to eat more of a variety of foods so as they get older, hopefully their friends will invite them over for meals. Don't even try to say you haven't thought of that before. Heck yeah. Who wants to wait another 12 years when my youngest goes off to college before I can eat my peanut butter sandwich in peace? None of their friends mother's will invite them over for dinner if she has to pop in some chicken nuggets and tater tots for a 17 year old! While everyone else is working on SAT's, we will be grooming their palates to impress even the uber foodie. Parents from all over the county will be begging for my children to grace their dinner tables and will relish in Carl and Annie's eagerness to devour any and everything offered, while their kids gag and retch. Gosh I can't wait!
My struggles could very easily be remedied if all the food tasted like candy. How hard could it possibly be to make beets taste like chocolate when you can buy orange flavored cigars? Please help food companies! Stop pretending that you really care about being all "healthy" and just zap those brussel sprouts with a cherry flavoring and call it a day. Organic Shamaic. By the time I actually get to sit down after doing the "eat your damn dinner" dance, everything is cold and yucky and I just wasted $30 bucks on another healthy dinner I didn't get to eat. Something drastic has to happen before I lose my mind.
Maybe I should just invest in some hot sauce.
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