There is nothing worse in this world than an old lady show-off. Yucky stinky feet, over-ripe bananas and gum left underneath a desk are chocolate covered raindrops compared to watching a lady older than Methuselah out running in the heat of summer. This travesty needs to stop. Now. The morning drive to my son's summer camp is completely ruined since I am forced to cruise at 30 mph past old women and men exercising in the 100 degree heat while I am cool as a cucumber in my AC. How can I possibly enjoy my breakfast of leftover pizza and can of Coke with them just staring at me, giving me the "You should be the one out here running Missy" stink eye? What once was a treasured summer tradition and a favorite part of my day; driving along the oceanfront watching the waves crash on the shore is now nothing more than a drive of shame.
How much longer must this game of "In Your Face" last? We get it already. Old People of the World ... You Are Awesome! There, I said it. Done. You walked 65 miles to school in the winter without shoes while carrying your drunkard father and pulling the old mule with the corn you alone harvested by hand. Our generation is lazy, disrespectful, brazen, obnoxious and doesn't know the meaning of hard work. Please allow me to say a gigantic THANK YOU and please go back to your house and sleep in, for gracious sakes you deserve it. Why must you torture us young adults who are exhausted from staying up too late spying on old crushes and people we haven't spoken to in 20 years on Facebook, and haven't the strength to conjure up any breakfast other than last night's leftovers and coffee that is black as night? It must be a "beach living" thing that rejuvenates their old souls, encouraging them to break out those well worn running shoes and blaze a trail past the young folk. Maybe they have forgotten that the gold watch on their wrist was a retirement present, and was supposed to be used for keeping up with time on the ol' golf course.
Surely there must be something interesting to take up an old lady's time besides out riding her bike at the crack of dawn when it should be me out there sweating my ka-tush off. There is a hole slew of those old bike riding bandits, making their way up and down my street and taking up 2 lanes of traffic while I am outside yelling at my kids. Isn't Wheel of Fortune on or aren't there some old people vitamins that should be taken with dinner around 5:15? Just a wee glimpse of grandparents on the tennis courts in the middle of the summer heat, with their cute little saucy tennis skirts that once graced my now fat ass, makes me want to hurl. I fly home enraged with a sense of tennis court entitlement, grab my racket bag and out the door I go to hit some tennis balls against the backboard for hours if I must. I will let those show-offs know that I too can withstand the heat and have no intention of allowing them all the glory of a perfect sweaty match. No Sir. If some 85 year old can handle it, so can I. 5 minutes later I faintly remember leaving my oven on and must get home to just check; once there I realize that Surprise, it is time for my afternoon nap.
We hear you loud and clear seniors, you have made those of us with untouched workout tapes feel like bums. Now, please go home and knit so I can get back to researching the new diet fad, where I may lose weight without actually having to get off my couch.
HILARIOUS!
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