Next time I'll wear more red lipstick And less clothes.

Tomorrow is Sunday, my least and most favorite day of the week.  Family Beach Day and the dreaded Bathing Suit Day.  Yuck!  Having to squeeze my squishy self into something that is the most unflattering piece of nylon and spandex is my own version of Hell on Earth.  Which brings me to this shocking confession.  I cannot believe I am going to say this on the world wide web, but [deep breaths] this is so hard!  Ahem [another deep breath, stand up straight] ... "My name is Sarah Alice Yates Stidham and I would like to go on record saying that I should have listened to my mother, Martha Wayne Clark more when I was younger and that she may have actually known what she was talking about".  Whew, that was painful.

Let me break it down like this ... I should have worn more red lipstick and less clothes when I had the chance.  Actually skip the less clothes part .. I should have just walked around completely naked.  all-the-time.  Am I suggesting that I was a stunning beauty like Sophia Loren?  No, absolutely not, but there were a few years tucked away in my lifetime that this old girl was easy on the eyes.  Naturally I feel that way now looking back over old pictures and remembering how self conscious I was with my appearance back then, and now realizing that I had an attractive little body going on.  What's not to love about creamy wrinkle-free skin, pre-children perky breasts and curvy hips, a firm little tush, flat tummy, shapely legs and arms?  Am I right?!   Oy Vey why didn't I listen to my mother?!  I haven't had a lifetime of hotness but I feel confident saying that somewhere in between say 1990 and 1997 when I was in the best shape of my life, I should have worn my hair down, slapped on some Revlon Red and gone about my daily life au naturale.  My mother warned me that I would regret not wearing the cute skirts that showed off my toned legs and the fitted little dress numbers that looked great on me but I was too shy to wear.  She was so right by saying that time goes by so fast and we would all look back and realize how beautiful we really were.  Darn it all!  I haven't worn a skirt 3 inches above my knee since Clinton was in office. 

My poor husband, what a little trooper he is.  Unbeknownst to his little skinny ass that can still wear the same pants from high school, he met me on the downswing.  I moved to the beach still looking pretty decent, we started dating and then .. Hocus Pocus .. I'm a fatty-boom-baladdy.  Basically my metabolism left on vacation and I haven't seen that wench since.  Why is it that the ladies in need of additional coverings wear too few clothes and those who would look so attractive in less clothing look like they are modeling their entire wardrobe?  Maddening.  Every season I unpack my old high school jeans and I still have my favorite black dress I wore to my first formal in college that I have every intention of being cremated in, hanging in my closet.  But, I will always regret getting rid of this red dress I had in the 11th grade.  It was a crepe red criss-cross in the back sassy number I purchased from The Limited and wore for my job interview with The Express.  Boy I looked smashing in that dress with my red shoes and matching red scrunchie if I do say so myself.  Got that job too.  Never wore it again.  idiot. 

Surely there is a kid out there in the world that will invent a Time Machine before I kick the bucket.  You can be sure that when they do, Sally will be grabbing her trusty Revlon Red,  jumping in, setting that dial on May 12, 1991 and will be naked faster than you can say Mom Jeans.